Just checking in with you guys. Feel like ranting about life. I'm pretty unhappy. My money situation is bad and I can't keep up with my bills. My job is ok, but the hours really screw me up. Jessica seems to be having issues. I don't know whether they stem from my lack of being home or something else. She's been having lots of major meltdowns since I've gone back to work.
She had similar problems when I was sick last year too. She's on medication, but I'm not sure it's effective. We just can't seem to get her to be regulated. I'm worried about her and her future.
In general I'm worried about all of us. Obviously the money situation bothers me the most. I hate not having money and not being able to provide for my family. We can't pay our bills and it seems like I'm the only one bothered by it. I'm so frustrated that I take it out on everyone. The mail comes and it just piles up on the kitchen table and doesn't get looked out. I am so stressed out I'm afraid to look.
For those who don't know, I was very sick last year and was in the hospital. The stress got to me and I had a minor heart attack. So now I'm on tons of drugs including anti-anxiety pills. I guess that's why I'm afraid to get stressed out; I don't want to have a repeat performance, if you know what I mean.
I really am afraid to work full time, deal with the kid, the house and the bills. Scott goes to school full time. He can't work because Unemployment pays for him to go to college. He gets very little. Our friend Bill lives with us and he's a great help. He does his best to cook, clean and help us with Jess. He works occassionally, just not enough to help contribute to our budget, but he does give us what he can.
The clutter in my home is also really bad. It looks like a bomb went off in it. I've tried to be neat, but it doesn't work. All of us seem to have problems with organizational skills. As many of you know, clutter can stress you out.
I'm also experiencing anger with myself. I feel like I have wasted my life. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I know this is stupid considering I have lots more than others. I have parents that love me (although I didn't always see it in the past), I went to college, got married had a kid etc. but I still feel I haven't reached my full potential.
I need to sit down, re-evaluate my life; what I've accomplished, what I am unhappy with; what I want to do with the rest of my life and what I need to do to make myself happy and reach my goals.
I want to thank you, my Internet friends for making me feel welcome. As I have stated before, as an older woman involved in a fandom filled mostly with teenagers and college kids I get flack from those who don't understand. You guys are like a family to me and I really appreciate it.
In the next few days I hope to state my goals, hopes and dreams. I will share them with you. I may not reach them all, but hopefully I will learn to live with disappointment if I can't accomplish everything.
As the Rolling Stones once said. "You can't always get what you want."